Where Hearts are Buried

Chapter 1

The reception was tomorrow and Rukia was still working on her dress. She’d put off getting it fitted all week, and of course now here she was last minute trying to get it done. Standing on the table, Rukia remained perfectly still as the elderly woman circled around her with a mouth full of pins, hemming the dress until it was perfectly fitted to the young shinigami’s petite frame. Staring at herself in the mirror Rukia felt the slightest tinge of excitement knot in her gut. The gown was pure white to contrast her raven locks, and it made her skin practically glow. She wondered if she was really ready for this after all. She was a little anxious, a little afraid, and little excited. It seemed like just last week she’d gotten engaged. It all seemed to be going so fast.

Down the hall, Renji wiped his brow as he delivered the mountain of paperwork his captain had made him do this week. The captain was busy and Renji had been practically pulling a second job doing his captain’s papers. He was stressed to the max right now, but with Rukia’s wedding coming up, he was happy to be pulling double duty. The less free time he had, the less he had to wallow in misery. He didn’t want to think about her, but it was hard to ignore the persistent throbbing of his broken heart. He had to keep busy. He exhaled harshly as he headed back toward the manor’s entrance. It seemed like just last week she’d gotten engaged. It all seemed to be going so fast...

It was then that he passed an open door, and through his peripheral vision, caught a glimpse of what he could only deduce was an angel without wings. He stopped dead in his tracks as his eyes took her in, mouth shamelessly agape.

Rukia saw the red-head in the mirror, flipped her veil over her head, and turned to look at him. “Renji! Where’ve you been? I haven’t heard from you in forever.” She turned her torso for him to see her dress, trying to avoid moving her feet on the slightly wobbly table. “What do you think?” she asked innocently.

Renji felt his shoulders droop as he looked her up and down before he closed his mouth and swallowed. “You look… beautiful,” he said softer than he’d intended.

Rukia smiled, disbelievingly at him, “Oh, shut up. Where’ve you been anyway? I wanted to give you an invitation, but I haven’t seen hide nor hair of you.”

Renji felt like he’d just been stabbed in the guts. “Yeah, sorry… I don’t think I’ll be able t’ make it, Rukia.”

Rukia looked surprised. “Seriously?” she asked, “It’s my wedding… I kinda wanted you to come.” Her expression was a mixture of disbelief and confusion.

Renji pursed his lips and diverted his eyes from her piercing gaze. “I’m sorry, I just really don’t think I’ll be able t’ make it,” he lied. “since I’ve got an assignment comin’ up.” He tried not to notice the despairing look on her face. As the elder woman moved aside, he stepped close to her and tentatively put a hand on her shoulder. “Don’t you worry your pretty little head over it. You’ll do great. You got people waitin’ on ya hand and foot. And ya got the charisma of a Rukongai street rat t’ fall back on if all else fails.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” she muttered.

The longing and regret in his eyes was practically tangible. “Rukia,” he said, his hands moving to grab her petite fingers, “you look beautiful. Your day to shine and you‘re gonna do it perfect. Watch.” He smiled at her, projecting confidence and strength, and everything he wasn’t feeling at all in that moment.

Rukia let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding in as the smile crept onto her face.

Renji felt like a lead bullet had just torn it’s way through his chest cavity as he watched her smile back at him. He never wanted to let her slip through his fingers, but she was like grains of sand now. “Well, guess I’ll get outta your hair.” He’d never be able to hold her for longer than this. “Bye Rukia,” he whispered as he tilted his head and kissed her cheek tenderly. He lingered just slightly longer than what felt appropriate before he stepped back, letting his fingers slip away from hers’ as he backed out, taking in her image once more before he spun on his heels and trotted out the door.

Rukia stared blankly as the seamstress woman came back over and started up on her dress again. She idly reached up and touched her cheek where Renji’s warmth still lingered on her skin. It was a strange feeling that befell her then, as the woman working on her dress seemed to disappear along with everything surrounding her. “Renji,” she whispered.

It felt like goodbye. He’d said it so nonchalantly, like ‘see you tomorrow Rukia.’ But why did it feel like he was letting go? Something wasn’t right… Something was tugging at her insides… The way he’d kissed her cheek. He’d kissed her before, two or three times on the forehead; little pecks. Why was this one so different?

She had to go to him. She had to figure out what he knew that she didn’t. Squatting down she slipped down from the table, much to the seamstress’s dismay, “My lady, you’ll dislodge the pins and hurt yourself!”

“Tanna, I’ve got something I have to do. Can you help me take it off real fast?” Rukia said as she searched for the zipper in the folds of the dress.

“But, you’ve put it off all week, it has to be ready for the reception tomorrow.” Tanna replied as she looked on dumbfounded at the small girl, trying to pry herself out of the elegant gown.

“I know. I’ll just be a few moments, I promise. No more than half an hour!” Rukia pleaded.

“You just love making me earn my money, don’t you, child.” She sighed in defeat as she helped Rukia out of the dress.

It took longer than she’d expected to finally wiggle her way out of the dress, and as she trotted toward the sixth, she realized she still had her wedding veil on, much to her annoyance. She wasn’t sure where Renji had run off to, but he had to be around the sixth division somewhere, she’d just have to sniff around. After fifteen minutes she still hadn’t run into him yet, and she found her mind wondering.

Maybe she was just imagining all this with Renji. Maybe she just had the jitters and was making up excuses to try and stall things-- but it wasn’t as if she disliked her fiancé. On the contrary, she found the young noble to be quite engaging and pleasant, if not a bit easy on the eyes as well. She paused as she mulled over her own feelings. She’d only met him three times, but her brother had encouraged her to accept the proposal, as it was a good union for the family.

She turned back toward the direction of the manor and sighed. If she wanted to get back in the designated half hour she’d promised her seamstress, she’d better start walking now. Still she wanted to find Renji and question him about his odd behavior, but she supposed she could ask him after he got back from assignment, since he broken his phone three weeks ago and had become impossible to contact.

* * *

“Just get your blubbering ass together and suck it up, would ya? You’re embarrassing me.” Ikkaku reamed the man in front of him.

In the shelter of a secluded alley way, a place he had as a retreat when he didn’t want to be bothered, Renji sat on a wooden box, trying his best to keep it together. “No one asked ya to baby-sit me, just go the fuck away, Ikkaku!” he spat back at his bald friend.

The eleventh squad man snorted in retort, “I ain’t leavin’ you here to wallow in self pity. Get up and get back to work if nothin‘ else. Ain’t nobody got time for your belly achin‘.”

“I didn’t say anything! You just keep stickin’ your pointy nose in my business. I just need a little time to catch my damn breath! Is that too much t’ fuckin’ ask?!” Renji yelled back, torn between fury and despair.

“What is it with you? Like a love sick puppy-- Either grow a pair, or move the hell on, cause I‘m gettin’ real tired of this shit.”

Renji‘s voice carried a bit as he yelled back at the annoying friend whose intention was purer than his talent. “Then leave! I don’t need your jaded moral support! I just need some time alone!”

A short ways from the men, a small form rounded the corner of a building, seeing Ikkaku arguing with a familiar sounding voice coming from the alley. She approached, and the bald-headed man immediately shot her a look of surprise. As she opened her mouth to speak, however, he turned sharply back to the voice from the alley and spoke.

“Look, ya moron, why won’t ya just tell her how ya feel? Don‘t ya think it‘s at least worth telling her the truth?” he said, his voice slightly softer than it was a moment earlier.

“I can’t. She‘s gettin’ married next week, ya idiot!” A voice, Rukia knew was Renji’s…speaking words she knew couldn’t be.

“What man just sits by and lets the love of his life get away? Ain‘t this the second time you let her get away now, or was it the third?”

An obvious anger permeated the air then as Renji’s voice came back, low and dangerous, “You think it’s funny to rub my face this mess? I made my bed and now I gotta sleep in it, huh? Yeah I’ve made some mistakes. Maybe a lot of fuckin’ mistakes. If I could throw a fuckin’ switch to turn off how I feel about her I woulda done it forty fuckin’ years ago! I gave her away so she could be happy! What right do I have to take that back now?!”

Ikkaku eased off, seeing the seriousness in the red-head’s eyes, “I ain’t makin fun… I just wanna know how you really feel about her.”

Renji dropped his head into his hands, hiding his face from his friend, “I’m still crazy about her, that ain‘t changed… I just… I gotta let go.”

Rukia’s face was vacant and pale as she stared at the opening to the alleyway. Suddenly everything in her life shifted just like that, and once again, Renji had been the one to do it.

Ikkaku seemed satisfied with that response and took a step back as Rukia found herself stepping forward. She laid eyes on him finally. He was pathetically hiding his face between his arms, as his hands clasped the back of his head restlessly. “Renji…?”

The man jumped as if he’d just been struck by lightning. “R-Rukia! W-What are you-- doin’ here?” Surprise was an understatement.

Ikkaku slunk away as he sensed he’d accomplished his goal. It was up to the idiot red-head now.

“Is it… really true?” she whispered shakily.

Renji looked like he was afraid to breathe. His hands began to tremble as he tore his eyes away from her. “I…You weren’t supposed t’ hear that,” he muttered seeming slightly confused and scared as he locked eyes with the ground.

“Tell me,” she said solemnly, stepping closer.

His eyes flicked up to her, but he had a hard time keeping them on her for more than a few seconds. “I…I didn’t want…” he began, before abruptly changing the subject, “Rukia, none of this even matters now.”

“It matters to me… Renji,” she spoke softly raising her fingers to trace his jaw, gently guiding his eyes to meet hers’.

His expression looked pained as he finally looked at her. His breaths were short and slightly frantic and his lips were pursed. Finally after a few failed beginnings, his words tumbled out, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner…”

“You’ve been… hiding this from me for forty years?” she asked.

Renji let a sad, bitter smile spread on his lips, “No… fifty at least…”

“Renji!” she gaped disbelievingly at him, “You never thought it would be a good idea to let me know?”

He exhaled and seemed to sink, “If I’d have thought…there could be an ‘us’…  It doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t think it ever mattered,” he said flatly.

“Of course it matters, you idiot!” she spat at him, looking increasingly more upset.

“How? It doesn’t change anything! You’re gonna get married next week, to a noble, like you should! And I’m…I’m gonna keep doing what I do without you,” he said dejectedly.

“Renji… I never knew you felt this way…”

“It’s been enough. All these years, just knowing you’re happy and taken care of.” A pause permeated the air before he spoke again, “Nothin’s really changin‘… you’re just gettin’ a new family.”

“It’s not fair to you,” she uttered in shame. “You were my first family, and…. here I’ve left you broken…” Her hand reached out and clung to his‘.

Calloused fingers closed over the warm digits as he stared at their interlocked hands. He appeared forlorn and defeated. “That rag-tag gang of misfits we had in Rukongai wasn’t a real family, Rukia. What you have now, that’s real, and I‘d never ask you t’ give that up.”

“You’re wrong, and I won’t let you belittle our family like that.” She wrapped her arms around his neck as she laid her cheek on his shoulder. “Because it was a family I loved.”

Renji swallowed as he lowered his cheek to rest against her as he fought down the emotion welling inside of him.

“It was the only family you ever had, and I‘m all that‘s left of it,” she uttered against his neck. “It’s not fair for me to have so much when you‘re all alone.”

He cringed at her words… Was he really that pathetic? Taking in a deep breath he summoned the strength to push her away. “Rukia, whatever happens from here on, I can look after myself. I’m not made of glass. You ought t’ go home and get your wedding preparations finished.”

“I can’t get married now.” Her serious expression made her words all the more real.

He shook his head in objection, “Course you can. I told ya nothin--”

She interrupted him loudly, stomping her foot, “How can you expect me to go get married knowing how much it’s hurting you, idiot?! How insensitive do you think I am?”

Renji scowled. “I don’t need your pity, Rukia! I told you nothin’s gonna change, now just forget about all this mess and go!” he said gesturing for her to go on home.

“I will call off the wedding,” she finally blurted.

“You will not!” he objected.

She‘d made up her mind, but there was one other thing she wanted to hear from him. “Do you love me, Renji?”

“What?” he asked suddenly dumfounded by the abruptness and forwardness of her question.

“Do you?” she repeated, eyes intensely focused on his’.

He quietly tried to wrap his brain around the conversation, before he finally let go of his anxiety. “’Course I do.”

“Tell me,” she ordered sternly, wedding veil wafting in the light breeze as she stared at him expectantly.

“No…” he muttered, “ I told you I’m not gonna make you give up your life for me.”

“You don’t have to make me,” she bit back, “I’m choosing to give up on a man that I barely know. That’s not too much, is it, Renji?” Her demeanor was calm, but authoritative. As always, she’d been hard to listen to, but easy to follow.

“Rukia…” he reprimanded, feeling quite unsure about everything that was spilling out of her mouth at this point.

She touched his cheek as she spoke her next words, “I’m choosing to give another man a chance.” The violet pools of her eyes were like an assurance that she knew what was best for him, and that he needed to trust her. “A good man, who I’ve known for a long time. A man that I know I already love.”

He felt his heart melting as he gazed at her, and no matter now much his brain was telling him to push her away, his heart was reaching out to pull her in. He had to swallow hard before he could force out a feeble, “but…” from what remained of his opposition.

Her finger shushed him as an amused smile spread on her lips. “Shut up, Renji, and go home and get dressed.”

He looked puzzled then. “Dressed for what?” he questioned.

“You’re gonna take me out on a date tonight,” she stated, as if it should have been more obvious.

“I’m-- I-- Wait. What?” came his garbled response. “Rukia, aren’t you rushing into this? I mean, you’re still engaged, and I’m-- I have, like, a mountain of reports--”

“Go get dressed! Take a shower! And come pick me up at eight.” She retorted as she turned to head back home.

He stood and grabbed her hand before she could go, causing her to look back at him. “You’re…. You’re really doin’ this?” his question, so laced in disbelief it was almost endearing.

She nodded. “I wasn’t really sure about the wedding to begin with, I think…” She stepped back toward him, staring at their entwined hands. “I thought I had a lot to do before, but now I’ve got to go cancel everything. I’ve got to cancel the reception, the reservations, the banquet, cancel all the flower arrangements... Telling my brother is not something I’m looking forward to, and I’m pretty sure my seamstress is going to strangle me. I really liked that dress too…”

Renji smirked at her words, “Keep the dress.”

She raised an eyebrow at him.

“I liked it too,” he said as he ran a finger over the flimsy fabric of her wedding veil.

She smiled as she reached up and pulled the accessory out of her hair before turning her back to him and starting home. “Don’t try to be charming,” she called back. “You already have bad marks for taking so long to tell me the truth.”

He couldn’t keep the grin from his lips as he watched her trot off. “What the hell just happened…?” he asked himself as he finally began to meander home.